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LeT ThE HuMoR
BeGiN
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
He talked with his hands. He had wine with every
meal. He worked in the building trades.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
He never got married. He never held a steady
job. His last request was a drink.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO
RICAN:
His first name was Jesus. He was always in trouble
with the law. His mother didn't know who his father was.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
He called everybody brother. He had no permanent
address. Nobody would hire him.
THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS
CALIFORNIAN:
He never cut his hair. He walked
around barefoot. He invented a new religion.
AND FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
He went into his father's business. He
lived at home until the age of 33. He was sure his
mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure He was God
Christmas Morning
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light,
and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid,
"Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that
bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation
ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way,
that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath
the horse, instead of on top."
Deep Thoughts
DEEP THOUGHTS!!
1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
unprotected.
2.I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain....no pain.
3.I AM in shape. Round IS a shape.
4.I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.
5.Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet
soup?
6.I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more
specific.
7.Did you ever notice...when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at
you?....But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
8.Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot...
anybody going faster than you is a maniac?
9.You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a
day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is.
10.I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are
always locking three.
11.The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans
suffers from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are
okay, then it's you.
12.I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I
only have photographs of her.
13.A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a
psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any
witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
14.Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the
James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult
Bookstore.
Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged
SCHIZOPHRENIA
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office
and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants
and...
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you
Why.
DEPRESSION:
Silent Anedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ............(better start
again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it
all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
Teacher says:
Let me see if I have this right. You want me to go into that room with
all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. Not only
that, I'm to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive
behavior, and observe them for signs of abuse, drugs, and T-shirt messages.
I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check
their backpacks for guns, and raise their self-esteem. I'm to teach them patriotism, good
citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to
balance a checkbook and how to apply for a job, but I am never to ask if they are in this
country illegally.
I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe
environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters
of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the
cultural diversity of others, and oh, yeah, teach, always making sure that I give the
girls in my class fifty percent of my attention.
I'm required by my contract to work, on my own time, summer and evenings
and at my own expense towards additional certification, advance certification, and a
master's degree, to sponsor the cheerleaders or the sophomore class, and after school I am
to attend committee and faculty meetings and participate in staff development training to
maintain my current certification and employment status.
I am to collect data and maintain all records to support and document our
building's progress in the selected state-mandated program to "assess and upgrade
educational excellence in the public schools."
I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very
presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. I am to
pledge allegiance to supporting family values, a return to the basics, and my current
administration. I am to incorporate technology into the learning, but monitor all web
sites for appropriateness while providing a personal one-on-one relationship with each
student.
I am to decide who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit
crimes in school or who is possibly being abused, and I can be sent to jail for not
mentioning these suspicions to those in authority.
I am to make sure ALL students pass the state- and federally-mandated
testing and all classes, whether or not they attend school on a regular basis or complete
any of the work assigned.
I am to communicate frequently with each student's parent by letter,
phone, newsletter, and grade card. I'm to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a few
books, a bulletin board, a 45-minute class or lesson plan time, and wearing a big smile
while living on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states.
Is that all? And you want me to do all of this, and you expect me to do it without
praying?
Barbie's Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year,
playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid
weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to
ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm
gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell
it).
So, here's my holiday wish list for 1999. . .
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits
gonna get? Do you have any idea what it
feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It
looks like cellulite!
3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that
wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? if I'm gonna have
to suffer with him, at least
make him (and me) anatomically correct.
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp
away once he is anatomically correct.
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
just get it done.
6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How
about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!
8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete
with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips;
"Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
fitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or
"Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs
of gum.
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.
Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society,
I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself
a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Yours Truly,
Barbie
*****the saga continues*****
Ken's Letter To Santa:
Dear Santa,
I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes
in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.
In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made
about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this
opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own
needs and desires.
First of all, I along with several other collegues feel Barbie DOES NOT
deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy
Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the
ablility to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to
mix and match at great length.
My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision
and reflects my lifestyle choice.
I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered
"Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor
Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be
considered such as: "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern
Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These
would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for
Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so
I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other
situations - we've talked about this issue before.
In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to
the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie
can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.
Sincerely,
Ken
Marriage
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes
up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in
their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!!? Everyone starts screaming and
running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get
away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit
calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his
presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I
am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
Little Old Lady
A little old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front
porch, reflecting on her long life, when-all of a sudden-a fairy godmother appears in
front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to
be really rich."
*** POOF ***
Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't
mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF ***
She turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the
old woman's tomcat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?" she
asks.
*** POOF ***
There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could
possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he
saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me
neutered, huh?"
Politics
The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from
Cobb County, GA.
I've been wondering how to respond to this message (and even if I
should).
I consider myself a liberal at times although I don't believe I'm lacking
in common sense, terminally whiny, guilt-ridden or delusional and the last time I checked
I wasn't a bedwetter (at least, I haven't woken up in
a puddle of urine as far back as memory serves me). I understand
that there was probably a sort of tongue-in-cheek-ness in this message but I am troubled
by Representative Kaye's rather simplistic jeremiad because it seems typical of a sort of
latent discontent among many Americans while at the same time fostering the sort of
dismissive attitude that it seems to me supports the very problems it claims to be
assailing. Therefore,
in the spirit of engaged citizenship, let me respond to some of Mr. Kaye's
comments:
> We, the sensible people of the
United States, in an attempt to help
> everyone get along, restore some
semblance of justice, avoid any more
> riots, keep our nation safe, promote
positive behavior and secure the
> blessings of debt-free liberty to
ourselves and our great-great-great
> grandchildren, hereby try one more time
to ordain and establish some
> common sense guidelines for the
terminally whiny, guilt-ridden,
> delusional and other liberal,
bedwetters. We hold these truths to be
> self-evident: that a whole lot of
people were confused by the Bill of
> Rights and are so dim that they require
a Bill of No Rights.
Mr. Kaye begins with making a distinction between people who share his
views and those who do not. We all take it as a basic tenet of America that we will
have differing opinions and that we will respect the opinions
of others even if we disagree with them. Unfortunately, Mr. Kaye has
chosen here to abandon that basic tenet of Americanism. He has identified those who
hold his views as "sensible," thereby implying that those who
hold different views are "insensible." That's certainly
not an indication of a basic respect for those with differing views. And, just in
case we've missed his lack of respect, Mr. Kaye goes on to characterize those who have a
difference of opinion as "terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional . . .
bedwetters." Why, given his apparent commitment to abandoning a basic tenet of
American citizenship, should we pay any further attention to what Mr. Kaye has to say?
> ARTICLE I: You do not have the
right to a new car, big screen TV or
> any other form of wealth. More
power to you if you can legally
> acquire them, but no one is
guaranteeing anything.
This article makes no sense to me. I'm certainly not aware of any
efforts to formally ensconce rights to things like automobiles and televisions (or any
other material possessions--I'd hardly call these things examples of *wealth*) into
legislation or constitutional provisions. What, pray tell, is Mr. Kaye talking
about? Indeed, if I were prone to the sort of demonstrations of lack of respect for
others that Mr. Kaye seems to be so fond of I might go as far as to ask, "What is he
*whining* about here?"
> ARTICLE II: You do not have
the right to never be offended. This
> country is based on freedom, and that
means freedom for everyone --
> not just you! You may leave the
room, turn the channel, express a
> different opinion, etc., but the world
is full of idiots, and probably
> always will be.
This is another article that confuses me, given Mr. Kaye's profession
of dismay at liberals in his prologue. Correct me if I'm wrong but every time the
Congress decides it needs to punish people who burn the flag
or compose sexually-offensive lyrics or create religiously-offensive art
it always seems to be *conservatives* who are leading the charge. I'm glad to hear
that Mr. Kaye will be on-board in opposing the next effort
to criminalize flag burning, to put warning labels on music lyrics, and to
cut funding for the National Endowment for the Arts. I just hope he's not to
troubled by the "terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional liberal bedwetters"
he will find himself associated with.
> ARTICLE III: You do not have
the right to be free from harm. If you
> stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn
to be more careful, do not
> expect the tool manufacturer to make
you and all your relatives
> independently wealthy.
I understand that Mr. Kaye is expressing his sympathy here for large
commercial enterprises which find themselves victims of product liability laws. I'm
sure that if he discovers that his housing tract was built on
a toluene dump or that his child was poisened by *E coli* bacteria at the
local fast food restaurant that he'll be the first to rise in defense of the chemical
manufacturer or food processor who is responsible. I'm certain that he'll merely
"learn to be more careful" while trying to sell his toxic dump home at 10% of
what he paid for it and that he'll be whispering "you should have been more
careful" to his comatose six-year old as he holds her hand in the hospital.
It's an honor to know of folks as upstanding as Mr. Kaye whose stoic response to such a
situation
would be to insist that he should have known better than to have believed
he might feed his young daughter that Whopper without it nearly killing her. Thank
God he's man enough to pay those hospital bills *and* to absorb that 90% loss on his house
out of his own (presumably not urine stained) pocket!
> ARTICLE IV: You do not have
the right to free food and housing.
> Americans are the most charitable
people to be found, and will gladly
> help anyone in need, but we are quickly
growing weary of subsidizing
> generation after generation of
professional couch potatoes who achieve
> nothing more than the creation of
another generation of professional
> couch potatoes.
Again, I'm confused by Mr. Kaye's point here. I was under the
impression that food and housing benefits were just that: benefits, not
"rights." I must also admit, living here in the nation's capital, that
it's not my experience that Americans are "the most charitable people to be
found" who "will gladly help anyone in need." I see thousands of such
Americans walk past people every day who are lying on the street sick, dirty, unkempt and
apparently in a great deal of need. I suspect many, many of these Americans
*believe* they are charitable and are content with their own contributions to assistance,
be it private or public. But I seldom see them taking a moment to even acknowledge
the presence of these people personally, much less to *help* them. Indeed, I suspect
many of these "charitable" Americans might go as far as to pray *for* their
sick, dirty, unkempt fellow Americans living on the street but I have never, *ever* seen
an of them stop to pray *with* them.
> ARTICLE V: You do not have the
right to free health care. That would
> be nice, but from the looks of public
housing, we're just not
> interested in health care.
What more can I say that I haven't said above? I'm certain that,
God forbid, if Mr. Kaye's daughter were stricken with *E coli* bacteria that the first
thing he'd reach for before he dailed 911 was his credit card and that he'd be quite
content to demonstrate his ability to pay to the emergence medical technician before
he stepped out of the ambulance, no matter how long his daughter had to lie on the floor
in convulsions while he did so.
> ARTICLE VI: You do not have
the right to physically harm other
> people. If you kidnap, rape,
intentionally maim or kill someone, don't
> be surprised if the rest of us want to
see you fry in the electric
> chair.
Well, it seems Mr. Kaye would need one minor change to this particlar
article, to wit "You do not have the right to physically harm other people *unless
they have harmed others themselves*." Again, I don't seem to recall any such
effort to establish such a "right." If I didn't know better, I might be
inclined to suspect Mr. Kaye of whining again.
> ARTICLE VII: You do not have
the right to the possessions of others.
> If you rob, cheat or coerce away the
goods or services of other
> citizens, don't be surprised if the
rest of us get together and lock
> you away in a place where you still
won't have the right to a big
> screen color TV or a life of leisure.
Uh, more whining? I don't know what the police are doing in Cobb
County, Georgia, but here in suburban Washington they're catching folks who "rob,
cheat or coerce" every day.
> ARTICLE VIII: You don't have
the right to demand that our children
> risk their lives in foreign wars to
soothe your aching conscience. We
> hate oppressive governments and won't
lift a finger to stop you from
> going to fight if you'd like. However,
we do not enjoy parenting the
> entire world and do not want to spend
so much of our time battling
> each and every little tyrant with a
military uniform and a funny hat.
Well, I must admit I'm a little surprised to see that Mr. Kaye is such
a critic of things like the Persian Gulf War, the Vietnam War, the Korean War and indeed
World War II. Correct me if I'm wrong again, but hasn't it usually been those
"terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional liberal bedwetters" who have opposed
t ese efforts to risk the lives of others' children in "foreign wars to soothe aching
consciences"? Saddam Hussein, Ho Chi Min, Mao Tse-tung and Adolph itler
all had funny little hats and uniforms, that's for sure!
> ARTICLE IX: You don't have the
right to a job. All of us sure want
> all of you to have one, and will gladly
help you along in hard times,
> but we expect you to take advantage of
the opportunities of education
> and vocational training laid before you
to make yourself useful.
Hey, I'm on board here. I wonder though just what Mr. Kaye is
talking about when he mentions the "opportunities of education and vocational
training" that is "laid before" folks for them to "take advantage
of."
Does he mean the inner city schools that the vast majority of American ch
ldren find themselves in? Mr. Kaye's district in Cobb County is in the Atlanta
suburbs but I'm certain th t his children attend inner-city schools in Atlanta in order to
avail themsevles of the wonderous "oppotunities of education and vocational
training" that are "laid b fore" them there. I'm sure that Mr. Cobb
opposes every measure in the Georgia
legislature that seeks to stop tax revenue raised in his wealthy
suburban district from being used to support the public schools in Atlanta's inner-city so
that those "educational and vocational opportunities"
continue to be available.
> ARTICLE X: You do not have the
right to happiness. Being an American
> means that you have the right to pursue
happiness -- which by the way,
> is a lot easier if you are unencumbered
by an overabundance of idiotic
> laws created by those of you who were
confused by the Bill of Rights.
Urp! Sorry Mr. Kaye. Perhaps you didn't "take
advantage" of all those "educational opportunities" that were "laid
before" you. Americans have no more formal right to "the pursuit of
happiness" than they do to happiness itself. The "pursuit of
happiness" is mentioned in Mr. Jefferson's Declaration of Independence. A
wonderful document that, but one that has no legal standing in the United States,
appearing as it did, in 1776, thirteen years before the esta l shment of the United States
by the Constitution in 1789. This is a common enough mistake (one might even
describe it as "common sensical") but it does give one pause to reflect on what
other mistakes might exist in Mr. Kaye's "reasoning."
> IF YOU AGREE WE STRONGLY URGE YOU TO
FORWARD THIS TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS
> YOU CAN. NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO, AND
NOTHING TRAGIC WILL BEFALL YOU
> SHOULD YOU NOT FORWARD IT. WE
JUST THINK IT IS ABOUT TIME COMMON
> SENSE IS ALLOWED TO
> FLOURISH - CALL IT THE AGE OF REASON
REVISITED. THANK YOU.
Well, obviously, I won't be forwarding Mr. Kaye's little jeremiad on
but I'm willing to entertain some of the ideas I've mentioned here further with anyone
who's interested.
"I spend more time keeping my driver's license current than my
citizenship."
-Don Worcester, delegate, 1996 National Issues Convention
Drinking Buddies
A couple of drinkin buddies who are airplane mechanics are in the
hanger at JFK airport in New York; it's fogged over and they have nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to
drink?"
The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and
that will give you a buzz." So they decide to try the jet fuel, they get trashed and
have a good old time like only drinkin buddies can do.
The following morning one of them wakes up and is afraid to sit up for
fear his head will explode from the awful hangover he's going to have. He gets up and
feels good, in fact he feels GREAT! NO HANGOVER!
The phone rings and it's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey how are
you feeling this morning? I'm actually feeling really good!" The buddy says, "Me
too! I feel great! Man that jet fuel is great stuff! No hangover...we ought to do this
more often!"
"Yeah, we could but there's just one thing...." "What's
that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"No...Why?"
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!"
The Bank Robber
After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank
robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the
courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge.
The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury
reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.
"Would you please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he
motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to
him.
After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip
back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman, and instructs the foreman, "Please
read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank
robbery," stated the foreman.
The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of
the "not guilty" verdict, and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine
gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you
think about that?"
The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look
on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I'm real confused here.
Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"
And you think you had a bad day......
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
oilspill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the mostexpensively saved
animals were released back into the
wild amid cheers andapplause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view,
they were both eatenby a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to
acarpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. Afterweeks of needling,
he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an
axe, leavingher mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the
worldflagpole sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hoursshort of the
400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend hadleft him and his phone and
electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen,
shakingfrantically with what
looked like a wire running from his waist towards theelectric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current shewhacked him with a handy plank of
wood by the back door, breaking his arm intwo places. Until that moment he had been
happily listening to hiswalkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sendingpigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand ofthem,
escaped through a broken fence and
stampeded, trampling the twohapless protesters to death.And finally.......
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letterbomb. It came back with"return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was
the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.There now you day was not so bad huh?
On Aging Yuppies
Hi All!!
being almost 35 years old I thought anyone as old as I am or older would
find this interesting.. he eh eh or funny... whichever comes first.. TGIF,
Tracey
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list
to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen.
Here's this year's list:
1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were
born in 1981.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know
he had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one
president.
6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the
Cold War.
7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a
pill to them, not a movie.
8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up, and
Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.
9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely do not know what it is.
11. Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been
plastic. They have no idea what a pull-top can looks like.
12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means
nothing to them.
14. They have never owned a record player.
15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
16. Star Wars look very fake to them, and the special effects are
pathetic.
17. There have always been red M&Ms, and blue ones are not new. What
do you mean there used to be beige ones?
18. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably never
have actually seen or heard one.
19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
21. They have always had an answering machine.
22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they
seen a black-and-white TV.
23. They have always had cable.
24. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
26. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
30. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a
football player.
32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, or even
the Civil War.
34. They have no idea Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
37. They never heard the terms: "Where's the beef?", "I'd
walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane, de plane!"
38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
40. Michael Jackson has always been white.
41. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
42. McDonald's never came in styrofoam containers.
43. There has always been MTV
Boy do I feel old!!! :)
The Amish Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed
by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having
seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I
don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady
in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and
the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his
father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old
blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son, "Go get your Mother."
Golf Buddies
Two law partners were fanatically competitive golfers, letting
absolutely nothing get in the way of their Saturday game. One Saturday Mrs. Jones grew
increasingly anxious as dusk fell with no sign of her husband. As dinnertime came and
went, she paced before the window, frantic with worry. Finally
she heard the car pull into the driveway and rushed out. "Where've
you been?" she cried. "I've been worried sick!"
"Harry had a heart attack on the third hole," her husband
explained.
"Oh my God! That's terrible!" she gasped. "You're
telling me," agreed Jones.
"All afternoon it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag
Harry..."
This is from an actual trial in the UK.
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she
noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling humiliated because of her condition.
She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again; and then, on her fourth move, he burst out
laughing. She had him arrested. Then the case came before the court, the young man
was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the
lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was
pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The GoldDust
Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloan's Liniments remove
swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which
read "William's Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control
myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read
"Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident." The case was
dismissed.
Ice Fishing
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd read many books on the
subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made
for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make
a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly - from the sky-a voice boomed: "THERE ARE NO FISH
UNDER THIS ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of
cappuccino and began to cut another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice
bellowed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THIS ICE!"
The blonde, now a little worried, moved down to the opposite end of the
ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut a hole. The voice came once more:
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THIS ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward and said,
"Is that you Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, this is the Ice-Rink Manager!"
Transatlantic Flight
In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by
lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the
plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes
on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has
ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on
this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and
they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a
man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a
woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet
black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a
time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger
approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches
her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and
whispers: "Iron this."
Hillary and St. Peter
Hillary dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter. She
notices that there are clocks everywhere.
She asks St. Peter why are there so many clocks here. St. Peter
tells her that each clock represents a person on earth and that every time a person tells
a lie, the clock ticks off one-second. St.Peter explains that one clock has never moved
because it belonged to Mother Theresa and she never told a lie her whole life.
The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only told two
lies his whole life, only two seconds had clicked. Hillary asks,"Where is
Bill's clock?"
St. Peter says, "Bill's clock is upstairs in Jesus' office. He's
using it as a ceiling fan."
Help Line
This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline. Needless to say the
HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect
organization for "Termination without Cause."
Transcript of dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord
goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked
now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
The Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool
table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your
monkey just did?"
"No. What did that stupid shit do this time?" says the
patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table,
whole" says the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills the fucker because he's been driving
me nuts" says the patron.
The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink
and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking
his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his
ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a
peanut up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.
"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron.
"Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"
Tommy in Confession
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned; I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?"
"Yes, Father, it's me."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her
reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Mary MacDonald?"
"No."
"Was it Ann Crotty?"
"No."
"Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"
"No, Father."
"Was it Amy Mc Mahon?"
"No, Father."
"Was it little Cathy Morgan?"
"No, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you
must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four Our Fathers and five Hail Marys. Go
back to your seat."
Tommy walks back to his pew next to his buddy, Sean.
Sean, slides over and whispers, "What happened?!"
Tommy smiles, "Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and six
good leads."
Bridge Game
Four ladies got together for their weekly bridge game.
One of the ladies excused herself to leave the room while the others
chatted.
One lady said; "My son, he is so successful. He is a
builder. Why, he is so, successful, he recently gave a new house to someone he is
seeing."
Another lady bragged; "Well, my son, he is so successful. He
is a stock broker. Why, he is so, successful, he recently gave a $300,000 in stock"
to his special someone."
Yet another lady countered; My son is really doing well too. He
started selling cars and now owns four Lexus dealerships. He is so successful, he
just gave fully-loaded 1999 Lexus to his special bo."
The lady who excused herself, as she returned to the room, she barely
heard the last line and added the news about her son. "Eh. My son...I am
a little disappointed. You see, he (whispering) 'likes boys'. But he still has
done very well for himself and his friends really like him. He got a house from one
friend, a car from another, and another gave him $300 grand in stocks and bonds."
Fixing the Y2K Problem:
There IS a simple solution -- we just weren't thinking outside the box!
----------
Jest for You - Y to K problem resolved
"Hi Boss, I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions.
Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me.
At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the
company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months:
Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk
In addition, I have changed the address of our corporate offices on all
our envelopes so that everything will be sent to New Kork. (Geez, it's sure gonna sound
funny to talk about the world champion "New Kork Kankees.")
H.R. wants kou to know that some emplokees are upset, especiallk Sklvia
and Harrk. Ankwak, that's all for now. Gotta go. I'm going to the theatre tonight to see
Tennessee Williams' "Sweet Bird of Kouth."
Historians
Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the
James Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore
Only in America
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster that an
ambulance.
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry
and a diet coke.
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the
first place.
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
Only in America...do we use the word politics to describe the process
so well.
Poli in latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures.
Lucky Frog
A man decides to go golfing one day. He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot
when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see
anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron". He looks at the frog and decides
to put away the club he was going to use, and grabs a 9 iron. Wham! He hits the ball 10
inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog". The
man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think
frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood". The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Wham!
Hole in one! The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the
day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to
next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas". They go to Las Vegas and the
guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette". Upon
approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6". Now, this is a million-to-one
shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash
comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room
in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't
know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.
What could I possibly do for you?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss
Me". The man figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves
it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl. "And that,
your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room so help me God or my name is not William
Jefferson Clinton".
Truck Driver
A truck driver had a habit of running over attorneys whenever he
would see them walking along the road. One day he saw a priest whose car had broken down
needed a lift. He decided to do a good turn and pick up the priest. He asked the priest,
"Where are you headed, Father?" The priest replied, "I have to go about
another five miles to the church." "No problem, Father! Happy to give you a
lift, hop on in the truck." Just after picking up priest, the trucker saw a lawyer
walking along the road. He immediately started to swerve over to hit him. At the last
second, he remembered the priest was with him, so he swerved back - narrowly missing the
lawyer. However, though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud THUD.
He turned to the priest and asked him what happened. The priest replied, "I saw you
were going to miss him, so I got him with the door."
Little Girl
A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the
blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, how old are you?" The mother responded,
"Honey women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get
older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy how much do you weigh?" The mother
responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this,
too, as you grow up." The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then
fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded "Honey, that is a subject
that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little
girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults
with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says,
"All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver license. It's just like
a report card from school. It tells you everything." Later, the little girl and
her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I
know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old." The mother
is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?" The little
girl shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130
pounds." "Where did you learn that?" The little girl says, "I just
know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
The Smartest Man in the World
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday
afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.
In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally the
pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed
out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and
said "I'm a doctor, I save
lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said,
"I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute
and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've liveda
long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last
parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the
priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off
with my backpack."
Hickbonics
The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the
seemingly endless taxpayer
dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or
"Hickbonics," as language to be
taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be
a Hickophone.
Hickbonics is currently a requirement for graduation at both Texas
A&M and UT. The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi, Hire yew?"
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to
borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is
Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is
Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in
improvements."
MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage: "My brother
from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd
from him in munts."
THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah
thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and
yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas
native." Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: "I
thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few
munts ago."
ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure
hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from
Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup
truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that
brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat
tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and
the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see
that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard
at age 65."
FAT - (noun, verb) - a battle or combat to engage in battle or
combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage:
"We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage: "I cuddint
unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn
country."
DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas; Oxygen. Usage:
"He cain't breathe...give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay
away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage: "Jew here
that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with
that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?"
"Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a
minnit'n 'is laf."
SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see".
VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't
never seed New York City... view?"
GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them
gubmint boys shore is ignert."
Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]
~~~
Men's English:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now!
I love you, too = Okay, I said it, Now can we have sex
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I'm gay
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