Jokes and Humor
brought to you by
MIRA Consulting  
(and those who have emailed such humor)

LeT   ThE   HuMoR    BeGiN

*****

*****
Mother

What did the Jewish Mother bank teller say to her customer?
  You never write, you never call, you only visit when you need
money.

  What did the Jewish Mother ask her daughter when she told her
she had an affair?
  "Who catered it?"

  Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
  They never let anyone finish a sentence.

  Why are there so few Jewish Mothers who are alcoholics ?
  Because alcohol dulls the pain.

  What is a genius?
  An average student with a Jewish Mother.

  What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a vulture?
  A vulture waits until you're dead to eat your heart out."

  "Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami
on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies."
   -- Milton Berle

*****
O'Riley
> "Oh, My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly
> as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
>
> "I got in a tiff with Riley."
>
> "Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He
> must have had something in his hand."
>
> "That he did," Kelly said." A shovel it was."
>
> "Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
>
> "Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's breast." Kelly said. "And a
> beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."

*****
Timmy and Antonio

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola
whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year
Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully
they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their Senior
year in High School.

They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and
upon graduation became priests.

Their careers have come to amaze the world, but it was generally
acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all
respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop, and
finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic
world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either
Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work.
In less time than anyone expected smoke rose from the chimney and
the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic,
Protestant, and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy
had been elected Pope.

Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated because, even with
all Timothy's giftedness, Antonio knew he was the better qualified.
With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private
session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After long silence one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered
Antonio and rose to reply, "We knew you were the better of the two,
but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman
Catholic Church being called . . . . .

Pope Secola

*****

WHO SAYS REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT??

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith!
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes,
they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

 
*****
Blond

>The blonde had been married about a year when
>one day the she came running up to her husband
>jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the
>  husband started jumping up and down along with
>her. "Why are we so happy?" he asked.
>
>      She said, "Honey, I have some really great
>news for you!" "Great" he said, "tell me what
>you're so happy about." She stopped breathless
>from all the jumping up and down. "I'm
>pregnant!" she gasped.
>
>    The husband was ecstatic as they had been
>trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed
>her, and started telling her how wonderful
>it was, and that he couldn't be happier.
>
>      Then she said, "Oh, honey there's more."
>"What do you mean more?", he asked. "Well,
>we are not having just one baby, we are going
>to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know
>so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her
>how she knew.
>
>      "It was easy," she said, "I went to the
>pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy
>test kit and both tests came out positive!"
>

*****
Husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men,
showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average
only 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.

She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that
women use twice as many words because they have to repeat
everything they say to men.

Looking stunned, he said, "What?"


*****

Fishing

*****
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
 >
 >1.  At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a
 >hair dryer at passing cars.  See if they slow down.
 >
 >2.  Page yourself over the intercom.  Don't disguise your voice.
 >
 >3.  Insist that your e mail address is:
 >Xena-Warrior-Princess@companyname.com
 >Elvis-the-King@companyname.com
 >
 >4.  Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want
fries
 >with that.
 >
 >5.  Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
 >chair
 >dancing.
 >
 >6.  Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
 >
 >7.  Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
 >
 >8.  Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.  Once everyone has
 >gotten
 >over their  caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
 >
 >9.  In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".
 >
 >10.  reply to everything someone says with, "that's what you think."
 >
 >11. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the
prophecy."
 >
 >12.  Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level
 >lights
 >up the entire work area.  Insist to others that you like it that
way.
 >
 >13.  Don't use any punctuation.
 >
 >14.  As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
 >
 >15. Ask people what sex they are.  Laugh hysterically after they
 >answer.
 >
 >16.  Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
 >
 >17. Sing along at the opera.
 >
 >18.  Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
 >
 >19.  Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same
outfits.
 >Wear them one day after your boss does.  (This is especially
effective
 >of your boss is of the opposite gender)
 >
 >20.  Send e mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're
 >doing.
 >
 >For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in
stall#3."
 >
 >
 >21.  Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.  Play a tape of
jungle
 >sounds all day.
 >
 >22.  Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
 >party because you're not in the mood.
 >
 >23.  Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
 >
 >24.  Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock
Hard.
 >
 >
 >25.  When the money comes out of the ATM,  scream "I Won!", "I Won!",
 >"3rd time this week!!!"
 >
 >26.  When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot,
 >yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
 >
 >27.  Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me,
 >it's the voices in your head that do."
 >
 >28.  Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are
going
 >to have to let one of you go."
 >
 >29.  Every time you see a broom, yell "Honey, your mother is here!"
 >
 >30. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity......send
 >this
 >e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you
or
 >
 >have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

*****
Subject: Fwd: NEW DRUGS FOR MEN


   NEW DRUGS FOR MEN

   With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing men's
   sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs
   oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society.

   Here are a few of the new ones:

   DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car
   trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they
   got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

   PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely
   to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new
   one.

   COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men
   administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
   Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new
   clothing.

   BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge
   to buy their sweeties expensive jewellery and gifts after taking this
   drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be
   continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.


   NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently
   undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

   NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want
   to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family
   members.

   FLATULAGRA - This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal
   gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for
   long car  rides.

   FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men
   with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

   PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the
   test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of
   other people.  Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects
   into "special prosecutors."

   LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being
   asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand
   Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

*****
Highway Robbery

Ruth Diaz
Chaplain Secretary
A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away." "What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!" With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The  Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").
The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said,
"Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.  The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk, "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..........."

*****
Stop and Think
Makes you stop and think

     One evening a young man was talking to his grandfather about current
events.     He asked what he thought about the shootings at schools, the
computer age, and just things in general.  The grandfather replied, "Well,
let me think a minute...I was born before television, penicillin, polio
shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, frisbees and the pill.   There
was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.

Man had not invented pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers, (clothes were
hung out to dry in the fresh air) electric blankets, air conditioners, and
he
hadn't walked on the moon.   Your Grandmother and I got married first -- and
then lived together.   Every family had a father and a mother, every boy
over
14 had a rifle that his dad taught him how to use and respect, and we went
hunting and fishing together.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir' --and after I turned
25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'

Sundays were set aside for going to church as a family, helping those in
need, and visiting with family or neighbors.  (I miss that most)

We were before, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group
therapy.  The Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense governed our
lives.   We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and
to
stand up and take responsibility for our actions.   Serving your country was
a privilege; living here was a bigger privilege.

  We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful
relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening
breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and
weekends -- not purchasing condominiums.   We never heard of FM radios, tape
decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on
our
radio.  And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening
to
Tommy Dorsey.  If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.   Pizza
Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10
cents.  Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were
all a nickel.  And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your
nickel
on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?  Too
bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

  In my day, 'grass' was mowed, 'coke' was a cold drink, 'pot' was something
your mother cooked in, and 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby.

'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office, 'chip' meant a piece of wood,
'hardware' was found in a hardware store, and 'software' wasn't even a word.

  And we were the last generation to actually
believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

Now WHY do people call US "old and confused"
and say there is a generation gap?
By the way I am only 65 years old.

*****
Pets
AP - "People for Ethical Treatment of Software" (PETS) announced
today that more software companies have been added to the group's
watch list of companies that regularly practice software testing.

"There is no need for software to be mistreated in this way so that
companies like these can market new products," said Ken Grandola,
spokesperson for PETS. "Alternative methods of testing these
products are available."

According to PETS, these companies force software to undergo
lengthy and arduous tests, often without rest, for hours or days at a
time. Employees are assigned to "break" the software by any means
necessary, and inside sources report that they often joke about
"torturing" the software.

Grandola said the software is kept in unsanitary conditions and is
infested with bugs.

"It's no joke," said Grandola. "Innocent programs, from the day they
are compiled, are cooped up in tiny rooms and 'crashed' for hours
on end. They spend their whole lives on dirty, ill-maintained
computers, and are unceremoniously deleted when they are not
needed anymore."

"We know that alternatives to this horror exist," he said, citing
industry giant Microsoft Corporation as a company that has
become successful without resorting to software testing.


*****
Three Brothers

Three brothers, Neil, Jack and Dan, were stumbling home late one
night and found themselves on the road that led past the old
graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Neil, "It's Obidiah Jones'
grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Jack, "here's one named Butch Smith. It
says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Dan yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was
145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Neil.

Dan lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker,
and exclaims, "Miles, from Austin."

*****
Nursing Home

At a nursing home in Miami, Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,"-- another went on. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was short moment of silence. "Well, it's not all that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."

*****
Management

> Dear Management:
>
> I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
>
> I do physical labor.
> I work at great depths.
> I plunge head first into everything I do.
> I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
> I work in a damp environment.
> I don't get paid overtime.
> I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
> I work in high temperatures.
> My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
>
> Sincerely, The Penis _______________________
> =====================================================================
>
> Dear Penis:
>
> After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
>
> You do not work 8 hours straight.
> You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
> You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
> You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
> You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
> You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
> You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
> You're unable to work double shifts. 
> You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.
> You have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.
>
> Sincerely, The Management
>

> Subject: Its Time To Follow Through ON YOUR Campaign Promises!!!!
 >
 >
 > >
I was wondering when someone would remember that a lot of entertainers had promised to leave the country if George W. Bush became President.

Attention all disenfranchised liberals: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell, Cher, Phil Donahue, David Geffen, Barbara Streisand, Pierre Salinger, and all other liberals who previously announced they would
leave the country if George Bush was elected President, please report to Florida for the sailing of the Good Ship Lollipop, which has been commissioned to take you to your new home?

The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor
through Palm Beach, Broward, and  Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.
Please pack for an extended stay...at least four years.

Your captain is to be Bill Clinton and your cruise director will be Al Gore.
Joe Lieberman will be your purser and Monica Lewinsky will be your recreation director and your spiritual advisor will be Rev. Jesse Jackson.

Your primary job, while self-exiled, will be to pound sand until such time as you realize  the worthlessness of your bleeding-heart-liberal ways and gain a grasp on reality - which maybe never for some of you.  If you have any questions about your final destination,   please direct your comments to Hillary. She's staying behind and will be in charge of nursing whining liberals for the next four years. Cheers!

PS to the travelers - if you invited her, maybe Jane Fonda would go along to  provide some class. How can you go wrong with one of the100 finest women of  the year as a traveling companion?

Quotes to remember:
"I may not have been the best president, but I sure had the most fun."
---Bill Clinton

"I'm sorry I ever invented the Electoral College."--- Al Gore

******

At a Bar-Mitzvah, the rabbi stacked a bunch of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please - God is watching."

On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies on which a friend of  the Bar-Mitzvah boy had placed a sign saying, "Take all the cookies you want - God is watching the apples."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."  The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."  The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat.  You remember how Momma enjoyed reading from the Torah? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Torah. It took elders in the congregation 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama
just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it. 

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "David," she wrote one son, "The house you built is huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Saul," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Irwin," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

COMPUTER PROBLEMS

Young Judy was having trouble with her computer, so she called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk.

Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.  As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

A puzzled expression came over Judy's face.  "An ID Ten T Error?
What's that?  In case I need to fix it again."

Tony gave her a grin.  "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"

"No," replied Judy.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

She wrote... I D 1 0 T.

************
On Prisons:

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for
forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I
already have bars on the windows.

I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals.  I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.  And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the
chair that's hooked up to the generator.

********************************

On Ads In Bills:

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them.  I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in.  Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me?
Thank You."

*********************************

On Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener.  I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off).

That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

**********************************

On Cripes:

My wife's from the Midwest.  Very nice people there.  Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's?  The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

*********************************
On Morning Differences:

Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
**********************************

On Pregnancy:

It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking.  They say, 'Oh my God. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?'  I always feel awkward reaching over there.  Come on!  It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my God...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."

**********************************

On Granma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

**********************************

On Award Shows:

Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo awards, a whole show full of commercials.  I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

**********************************

On Phone-In-Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on
different issues?

Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this.  Give me the phone. (Into Phone)

I DON'T KNOW!"  (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."  This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."

*********************************

On Answering Machines:

Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now.   I hope you are too.  The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep."

"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking  of being positive,your test is back.  Stop sharing the love.

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MyFree.Com's Water Cooler Wit Daily - April 11, 2001
/|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\ /|\

REAL-LIFE DILBERT QUOTES, PART I

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest.  They were looking
for people to submit quotes from their real-life, Dilbert-type
managers.  Here are some of the submissions:

1.  As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards.  Pictures will be taken next
Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.  (This
was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation)

2.  What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
encounter.  (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3.  How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
(Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

4.  E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.  It
should be used only for company business.  (Accounting Manager,
Electric Boat Company)

5.  This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it.  (Advertising/Marketing Manager, UPS)

6.  Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.  No one
will believe you solved this problem in one day!  We've been working
on it for months.  Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you
know when it's time to tell them.  (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining &
Manufacturing/3M Corporation)

7.  My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that
only needed corrections.  She claims the disk I gave her was damaged
and she couldn't edit it.  The disk I gave her was write-protected.
(CIO of Dell Computers)


Nina A. Stein
Water Cooler Wit Daily Editor

REAL-LIFE DILBERT QUOTES, PART II

1.  Quote from the boss:  "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say."  (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

2.  My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year.  He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday.  He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)

3.  We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.  (AT&T Long Lines Division)

4.  We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."  (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

5.  One day, my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on.  I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough.  He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"  (New Business Manager, Hallmark Cards)

6.  As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials.  In the body of the memo, one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals.

The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch.  When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company.  Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red.

The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry.  He would take care of it.

Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.  A month later, I resigned.  In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.  (Taco Bell Corporation) 

This is so bad it's good: THE BIRD

The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.

 Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked.

 On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car.

 Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated: I am going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.

WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES

Husband's note to his wife......
"Doctor's office called: Said Pabst beer is normal."

Stretching It a Bit Too Far

This guy is flying down the road and he comes over the top of a bridge. Sure enough, on the other side there is sitting a cop with a radar gun. The cop pulls the guy over, walks up to the car and asks, "What's the hurry?"

The guy replies,  "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah?" says the cop.  "What do you do?"

The guy responds, "Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop says,  "WHAT? A rectum stretcher? What's a rectum stretcher do?"

The guy says,  "Well, I start with one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about six foot wide."

The cop asks,  "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"

The guy replies,  "You give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge.

Email

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor.  The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section:  floors, sweeping, and cleaning). After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day."

   Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

   Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25-pound flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than two hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100 percent profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

   And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to

transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pickup truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pickup trucks and manages a staff of 100 formerly unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

   Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned,  "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail, and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"

   After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of this story:

1. The Internet, e-mail, and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a     millionaire.
3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to     becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been     taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won the contest (he wasn't thrilled with her for that one). Anyway, anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this guy.

April 1998

Hi, Sue,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

This time of year the water is quite cool, even with a wetsuit. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back.  I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.  I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

It totaled 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry decompression.

I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make it more tolerable.

The Way it Was
If you are old enough...take a stroll with me...close your eyes...and go back...before the Internet...before semiautomatics and crack ... before SEGA or Super Nintendo ... way back ...

I'm talkin' bout hide and go seek at dusk. 
Sittin' on the porch, Simon Says, Kick the Can, Red light, Green light.
Lunch boxes with a thermos...chocolate milk, going home for lunch, penny
candy from the store, hopscotch,butterscotch, skates with keys, Jacks,
Mother May I? Hula Hoops, sunflower seeds, Whist and Old Maid and Crazy Eights, wax lips and mustaches, Mary Janes, saddleshoes and Coke bottles with the names of cities on the bottom, running through the sprinkler, circle pins, bobby pins, Mickey Mouse Club, Rocky & Bullwinkle, Fran &
Ollie, Spin & Marty...all in black & white.

When around the corner seemed far away, and going downtown seemed like going
somewhere.
Bedtime, climbing trees, making forts...backyard shows, lemonade stands,
Cops and Robbers, Cowboys and Indians, sittin' on the curb, staring at
clouds, jumping down the steps, jumping on the bed, pillow fights, getting
"company," ribbon candy, angel hair on the Christmas tree,  Jackie Gleason,
white gloves, walking to church, walking to the movie theater, being tickled
to death, running till you were out of breath, laughing so hard that your
stomach hurt, being tired from playin' ... Remember that?

Not steppin' on a crack or you'll break your mother's back...paper chains at
Christmas, silhouettes of Lincoln and Washington...the smell of paste in school and Evening in Paris.
What about the girl that had the big bubbly handwriting, who dotted her "i's" with hearts??
The Stroll, popcorn balls, & sock hops...
Remember when...when there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys
(Keds & PF Flyer) and the only time you wore them at school was for "gym."
And the girls had those ugly uniforms.

When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up.
When nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school.
When nobody owned a purebred dog.

When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter, a huge bonus.
When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny.
When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then.
When your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.
When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their
hair done, everyday and wore high heels.

When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without
asking, all for free, every time. And, you didn't pay for air.
And, you got trading stamps to boot!
When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.

When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.
When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed...and did!
When the worst thing you could do at school was smoke in the bathrooms, flunk a test or chew gum.
And the prom was in the auditorium and we danced to an orchestra, and all the girls wore pastel gowns and the boys wore suits for the first time and we stayed out all night.

When a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races.
And people went steady and girls wore a class ring with an inch of wrapped
dental floss or yarn coated with pastel frost nail polish so it would fit her finger.
And no one ever asked where the car keys were 'cause they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked.
And you got in big trouble if you accidentally locked the doors at home, since no one ever had a key.

Remember lying on your back on the grass with your friends and saying things like "That cloud looks like a..."
And playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game.
Back then, baseball was not a psychological group learning experience -- it was a game.

Remember when stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals 'cause no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger.
And...with all our progress...don't you just wish...just once...you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace...and share it with the children of the 80's and 90's
...

So send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows, Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk...
As well as the sound of a reel mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, playing in cowboy land, baseball games, bowling and visits to the pool...and eating Kool-aid powder with sugar.

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.
Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
But we all survived because their love was greater than the threat.

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!

WINE

?BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) - Some Wal-Mart customers soon will
be able to sample a new discount item - Wal-Mart's own brand of wine.
The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery
of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price; in
the
$6-8 range.

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of
Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for
cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger
Williams University in Bristol, RI.  "There is wine in a box that
people are willing to buy,"she said.  "The right name is important."

   The top 15 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

   15.  Box O' Grapes
   14.  Chateau Traileur Doublewide
   13.  White Trashfindel
   12.  Big Red Gulp
   11.  Grape Expectations
   10.  Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
   9.  NASCAbernet
   8.  Chef Boyardeaux
   7.  Peanut Noir
   6.  Blue Light Special Nun
   5.  Chateau des Moines
   4.  Martha Stewart's Sour Grapes
   3.  I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
   2.  World Championship Wriesling

   And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine...

   1.  Nasti Spumante

Feeling Good

Take a few minutes and read these.  Think about them
one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one.........
IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD,
especially the thought at the end.

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the Super Wal-Mart.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels out of the dryer.
11. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.
12. Chocolate milkshake.
13. A long distance phone call.
14. A bubble bath.
15. Giggling.
16. A good conversation.
17. The beach.
18. Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.
19. Laughing at yourself.
20. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
21. Running through sprinklers.
22. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
23. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
24. Laughing at an inside joke.
25. Friends.
26. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
27. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. The lyrics printed on the inside of your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid.
36. Going to a really good concert.
37. Winning a really competitive game.
38. Making chocolate chip cookies.
39. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
40. Spending time with close friends.
41. Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends.
42. Holding hands with someone you care about.
43. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things never change.
44. Riding the best roller coasters over and over.
45. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
46. Watching the sunrise.
47. Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful day.

Annual Checkup

Freda, an eighty-three year old lady, finished her annual physical  examination, whereupon the doctor said "You are in fine shape  for your age. But tell me.. do you still have intercourse?"

 "Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.

She went out to the reception room and said: "Jake, do we still have intercourse?"

Jake answered impatiently: "If I told you once I told you a thousand times... We have Blue Cross !!"

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:     
He talked with his hands.     He had wine with every meal.     He worked in the building trades. 

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:     
He never got married.     He never held a steady job.  His last request was a drink. 

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:     
His first name was Jesus.     He was always in trouble with the law.     His mother didn't know who his father was. 

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:     
He called everybody brother.     He had no permanent address.     Nobody would hire him. 

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:     
He never cut his hair.       He walked around barefoot.     He invented a new religion. 

AND FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:     He went into his father's business.     He 
lived at home until the age of 33.     He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure He was God

Christmas Morning

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, 
"Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" 
The kid says, "Yeah." 
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." 
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. 
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" 
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." 
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top." 

DEEP THOUGHTS!! 
 
1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. 
2.I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain....no pain. 
3.I AM in shape. Round IS a shape. 
4.I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 
5.Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 
6.I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. 
7.Did you ever notice...when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?....But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? 
8.Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot... anybody going faster than you is a maniac? 
9.You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we have no idea where she is. 
10.I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. 
11.The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans suffers from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
12.I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her. 
13.A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any 
witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." 
14.Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore. 

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged 
 
SCHIZOPHRENIA 
Do you Hear What I Hear? 
 
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: 
We Three Queens Disoriented Are 
 
DEMENTIA: 
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas 
 
NARCISSISTIC: 
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 
 
MANIC: 
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office 
and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and... 
 
PARANOID: 
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me. 
 
PERSONALITY DISORDER: 
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why. 
 
DEPRESSION: 
Silent Anedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely. 
 
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: 
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, 
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, 
Jingle Bell,  Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, 
Jingle Bell,  Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, 
Jingle Bell,  Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, 
Jingle Bell,  Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, 
Jingle Bell,  Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, 
Jingle Bell,  Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, 
Jingle Bell,  Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, 
Jingle Bell,  Jingle Bell Rock,  ............(better start again) 
 
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: 
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away). 
 
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: 
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire. 

Teacher says:

Let me see if I have this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. Not only that, I'm to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, behaviorally modify disruptive behavior, and observe them for signs of abuse, drugs, and T-shirt messages. 
 
I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for guns, and raise their self-esteem. I'm to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook and how to apply for a job, but I am never to ask if they are in this country illegally. 
 
I am to check their heads occasionally for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and oh, yeah, teach, always making sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention. 
 
I'm required by my contract to work, on my own time, summer and evenings and at my own expense towards additional certification, advance certification, and a master's degree, to sponsor the cheerleaders or the sophomore class, and after school I am to attend committee and faculty meetings and participate in staff development training to maintain my current certification and employment status. 
 
I am to collect data and maintain all records to support and document our building's progress in the selected state-mandated program to "assess and upgrade educational excellence in the public schools." 
 
I am to be a paragon of virtue larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. I am to pledge allegiance to supporting family values, a return to the basics, and my current administration. I am to incorporate technology into the learning, but monitor all web sites for appropriateness while providing a personal one-on-one relationship with each student. 
 
I am to decide who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit crimes in school or who is possibly being abused, and I can be sent to jail for not mentioning these suspicions to those in authority. 
 
I am to make sure ALL students pass the state- and federally-mandated testing and all classes, whether or not they attend school on a regular basis or complete any of the work assigned. 
 
I am to communicate frequently with each student's parent by letter, phone, newsletter, and grade card. I'm to do all of this with just a piece of chalk, a few books, a bulletin board, a 45-minute class or lesson plan time, and wearing a big smile while living on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps in many states. Is that all? And you want me to do all of this, and you expect me to do it without praying?

Barbie's Letter To Santa:

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAY BACK TIME!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list for 1999. . .

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man... maybe GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boytoy Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? if I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
fitted with a fake fur coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years-I think I deserve it.

Okay Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours Truly,
Barbie

*****the saga continues*****

Ken's Letter To Santa:

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes.

In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my ability to please, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of some of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own needs and desires.

First of all, I along with several other collegues feel Barbie DOES NOT deserve preferential treatment - the bitch has everything. I, along with Joe, Jem, Raggedy Ann & Andy, DO NOT have a dreamhouse, corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases the ablility to change our hair style. I personally have only 3 outfits which I am forced to mix and match at great length.

My decision to accessorize my outfits with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I too would like a change in my career. Have you ever considered "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Out Of Work Actor Ken"? In addition, there are several other avenues which could be
considered such as: "S&M Ken" , "Green Lantern Ken", "Circuit Ken", "Bear Ken", "Master Ken". These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open up new markets. And as for Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away," I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful for me in other situations - we've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo from hell will result in action be taken by myself and others. And Barbie can forget about having Joe - he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.

Sincerely,
Ken

Marriage

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!!? Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. 
Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Little Old Lady

A little old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when-all of a sudden-a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF ***
Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF ***

She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's tomcat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks. 

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered, huh?"

Politics

The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA.

I've been wondering how to respond to this message (and even if I should).
I consider myself a liberal at times although I don't believe I'm lacking in common sense, terminally whiny, guilt-ridden or delusional and the last time I checked I wasn't a bedwetter (at least, I haven't woken up in
a puddle of urine as far back as memory serves me).  I understand that there was probably a sort of tongue-in-cheek-ness in this message but I am troubled by Representative Kaye's rather simplistic jeremiad because it seems typical of a sort of latent discontent among many Americans while at the same time fostering the sort of dismissive attitude that it seems to me supports the very problems it claims to be assailing.  Therefore,
in the spirit of engaged citizenship, let me respond to some of Mr. Kaye's comments:

>      We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help 
>      everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more 
>      riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the 
>      blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great 
>      grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some 
>      common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, 
>      delusional and other liberal, bedwetters.  We hold these truths to be 
>      self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of 
>      Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

Mr. Kaye begins with making a distinction between people who share his views and those who do not.  We all take it as a basic tenet of America that we will have differing opinions and that we will respect the opinions
of others even if we disagree with them.  Unfortunately, Mr. Kaye has chosen here to abandon that basic tenet of Americanism.  He has identified those who hold his views as "sensible," thereby implying that those who
hold different views are "insensible."  That's certainly not an indication of a basic respect for those with differing views.  And, just in case we've missed his lack of respect, Mr. Kaye goes on to characterize those who have a difference of opinion as "terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional . . . bedwetters."  Why, given his apparent commitment to abandoning a basic tenet of American citizenship, should we pay any further attention to what Mr. Kaye has to say?

>      ARTICLE I:  You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or 
>      any other form of wealth.  More power to you if you can legally 
>      acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

This article makes no sense to me.  I'm certainly not aware of any efforts to formally ensconce rights to things like automobiles and televisions (or any other material possessions--I'd hardly call these things examples of *wealth*) into legislation or constitutional provisions.  What, pray tell, is Mr. Kaye talking about?  Indeed, if I were prone to the sort of demonstrations of lack of respect for others that Mr. Kaye seems to be so fond of I might go as far as to ask, "What is he *whining* about here?"

>      ARTICLE II:  You do not have the right to never be offended.  This 
>      country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- 
>      not just you!  You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a 
>      different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably 
>      always will be.

This is another article that confuses me, given Mr. Kaye's profession of dismay at liberals in his prologue.  Correct me if I'm wrong but every time the Congress decides it needs to punish people who burn the flag
or compose sexually-offensive lyrics or create religiously-offensive art it always seems to be *conservatives* who are leading the charge.  I'm glad to hear that Mr. Kaye will be on-board in opposing the next effort
to criminalize flag burning, to put warning labels on music lyrics, and to cut funding for the National Endowment for the Arts.  I just hope he's not to troubled by the "terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional liberal bedwetters" he will find himself associated with.

>      ARTICLE III:  You do not have the right to be free from harm.  If you 
>      stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not 
>      expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives 
>      independently wealthy.

I understand that Mr. Kaye is expressing his sympathy here for large commercial enterprises which find themselves victims of product liability laws.  I'm sure that if he discovers that his housing tract was built on
a toluene dump or that his child was poisened by *E coli* bacteria at the local fast food restaurant that he'll be the first to rise in defense of the chemical manufacturer or food processor who is responsible.  I'm certain that he'll merely "learn to be more careful" while trying to sell his toxic dump home at 10% of what he paid for it and that he'll be whispering "you should have been more careful" to his comatose six-year old as he holds her hand in the hospital.  It's an honor to know of folks as upstanding as Mr. Kaye whose stoic response to such a situation
would be to insist that he should have known better than to have believed he might feed his young daughter that Whopper without it nearly killing her.  Thank God he's man enough to pay those hospital bills *and* to absorb that 90% loss on his house out of his own (presumably not urine stained) pocket!

>      ARTICLE IV:  You do not have the right to free food and housing. 
>      Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly 
>      help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing 
>      generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve 
>      nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional 
>      couch potatoes.

Again, I'm confused by Mr. Kaye's point here.  I was under the impression that food and housing benefits were just that: benefits, not "rights."  I must also admit, living here in the nation's capital, that it's not my experience that Americans are "the most charitable people to be found" who "will gladly help anyone in need."  I see thousands of such Americans walk past people every day who are lying on the street sick, dirty, unkempt and apparently in a great deal of need.  I suspect many, many of these Americans *believe* they are charitable and are content with their own contributions to assistance, be it private or public.  But I seldom see them taking a moment to even acknowledge the presence of these people personally, much less to *help* them.  Indeed, I suspect many of these "charitable" Americans might go as far as to pray *for* their sick, dirty, unkempt fellow Americans living on the street but I have never, *ever* seen an  of them stop to pray *with* them.

>      ARTICLE V:  You do not have the right to free health care.  That would 
>      be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not 
>      interested in health care.

What more can I say that I haven't said above?  I'm certain that, God forbid, if Mr. Kaye's daughter were stricken with *E coli* bacteria that the first thing he'd reach for before he dailed 911 was his credit card and that he'd be quite content to demonstrate his ability to pay to the emergence medical technician  before he stepped out of the ambulance, no matter how long his daughter had to lie on the floor in convulsions while he did so.

>      ARTICLE VI:  You do not have the right to physically harm other 
>      people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't 
>      be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric 
>      chair.

Well, it seems Mr. Kaye would need one minor change to this particlar article, to wit "You do not have the right to physically harm other people *unless they have harmed others themselves*."  Again, I don't seem to recall any such effort to establish such a "right."  If I didn't know better, I might be inclined to suspect Mr. Kaye of whining again.

>      ARTICLE VII:  You do not have the right to the possessions of others. 
>      If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other 
>      citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock 
>      you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big 
>      screen color TV or a life of leisure.

Uh, more whining?  I don't know what the police are doing in Cobb County, Georgia, but here in suburban Washington they're catching folks who "rob, cheat or coerce" every day.

>      ARTICLE VIII:  You don't have the right to demand that our children 
>      risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience.  We 
>      hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from 
>      going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the 
>      entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling 
>      each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

Well, I must admit I'm a little surprised to see that Mr. Kaye is such a critic of things like the Persian Gulf War, the Vietnam War, the Korean War and indeed World War II.  Correct me if I'm wrong again, but hasn't it usually been those "terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional liberal bedwetters" who have opposed t ese efforts to risk the lives of others' children in "foreign wars to soothe aching consciences"?  Saddam Hussein, Ho Chi Min, Mao Tse-tung and Adolph  itler all had funny little hats and uniforms, that's for sure!

>      ARTICLE IX:  You don't have the right to a job.  All of us sure want 
>      all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, 
>      but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education 
>      and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

Hey, I'm on board here.  I wonder though just what Mr. Kaye is talking about when he mentions the "opportunities of education and vocational training" that is "laid before" folks for them to "take advantage of."
Does he mean the inner city schools that the vast majority of American ch ldren find themselves in?  Mr. Kaye's district in Cobb County is in the Atlanta suburbs but I'm certain th t his children attend inner-city schools in Atlanta in order to avail themsevles of the wonderous "oppotunities of education and vocational training" that are "laid b fore" them there.  I'm sure that Mr. Cobb opposes every measure in the Georgia
legislature that seeks to stop tax revenue  raised in his wealthy suburban district from being used to support the public schools in Atlanta's inner-city so that those "educational and vocational opportunities"
continue to be available. 
>      ARTICLE X:  You do not have the right to happiness.  Being an American 
>      means that you have the right to pursue happiness -- which by the way, 
>      is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic 
>      laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

Urp!  Sorry Mr. Kaye.  Perhaps you didn't "take advantage" of all those "educational opportunities" that were "laid before" you.  Americans have no more formal right to "the pursuit of happiness" than they do to happiness itself.  The "pursuit of happiness" is mentioned in Mr. Jefferson's Declaration of Independence.  A wonderful document that, but one that has no legal standing in the United States, appearing as it did, in 1776, thirteen years before the esta l shment of the United States by the Constitution in 1789.  This is a common enough mistake (one might even describe it as "common sensical") but it does give one pause to reflect on what other mistakes might exist in Mr. Kaye's "reasoning."

>      IF YOU AGREE WE STRONGLY URGE YOU TO FORWARD THIS TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS 
>      YOU CAN. NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO, AND NOTHING TRAGIC WILL BEFALL YOU 
>      SHOULD YOU NOT FORWARD IT.  WE JUST THINK IT IS ABOUT TIME COMMON 
>      SENSE IS ALLOWED TO
>      FLOURISH - CALL IT THE AGE OF REASON REVISITED. THANK YOU.

Well, obviously, I won't be forwarding Mr. Kaye's little jeremiad on but I'm willing to entertain some of the ideas I've mentioned here further with anyone who's interested.

"I spend more time keeping my driver's license current than my citizenship."                        
-Don Worcester, delegate, 1996 National Issues Convention

Drinking Buddies

A couple of drinkin buddies who are airplane mechanics are in the hanger at JFK airport in New York; it's fogged over and they have nothing to do. 

One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" 

The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel and that will give you a buzz." So they decide to try the jet fuel, they get trashed and have a good old time like only drinkin buddies can do. 

The following morning one of them wakes up and is afraid to sit up for fear his head will explode from the awful hangover he's going to have. He gets up and feels good, in fact he feels GREAT! NO HANGOVER! 

The phone rings and it's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey how are you feeling this morning? I'm actually feeling really good!" The buddy says, "Me too! I feel great! Man that jet fuel is great stuff! No hangover...we ought to do this more often!" 

"Yeah, we could but there's just one thing...." "What's that?" 

"Did you fart yet?" 

"No...Why?" 

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!" 

The Bank Robber

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge.

The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman, and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict, and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

And you think you had a bad day......

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oilspill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the mostexpensively saved animals were released back into the 
wild amid cheers andapplause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eatenby a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to acarpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. Afterweeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an 
axe, leavingher mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the worldflagpole sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hoursshort of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend hadleft him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shakingfrantically with what 
looked like a wire running from his waist towards theelectric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current shewhacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm intwo places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to hiswalkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sendingpigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand ofthem, escaped through a broken fence and 
stampeded, trampling the twohapless protesters to death.And finally.......

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letterbomb. It came back with"return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.There now you day was not so bad huh?

On Aging  Yuppies

Hi All!!
being almost 35 years old I thought anyone as old as I am or older would find this interesting.. he eh eh or funny... whichever comes first.. TGIF,
Tracey

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen.

Here's this year's list:

1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1981.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one president.
6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.
8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up, and Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.
9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely do not know what it is.
11. Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull-top can looks like.
12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
14. They have never owned a record player.
15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
16. Star Wars look very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic.
17. There have always been red M&Ms, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?
18. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably never have actually seen or heard one.
19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
21. They have always had an answering machine.
22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
23. They have always had cable.
24. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
26. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
30. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.
32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, or even the Civil War.

34. They have no idea Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
37. They never heard the terms: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane, de plane!"
38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
40. Michael Jackson has always been white.
41. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
42. McDonald's never came in styrofoam containers.
43. There has always been MTV

  Boy do I feel old!!!  :)

The Amish Elevator 
   
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a  mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by  two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. 
   
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." 
   
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them  into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. 
   
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. 
   
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. 
   
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."

Golf Buddies

Two law partners were fanatically competitive golfers, letting absolutely nothing get in the way of their Saturday game. One Saturday Mrs. Jones grew increasingly anxious as dusk fell with no sign of her husband. As dinnertime came and went, she paced before the window, frantic with worry. Finally
she heard the car pull into the driveway and rushed out. "Where've you been?" she cried. "I've been worried sick!"  

"Harry had a heart attack on the third hole," her husband explained.
"Oh my God! That's terrible!" she gasped.  "You're telling me," agreed Jones. 
"All afternoon it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry..."

This is from an actual trial in the UK.

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling humiliated because of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again; and then, on her fourth move, he burst out laughing.  She had him arrested. Then the case came before the court, the young man was  asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the
lady boarded  the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.  She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The GoldDust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloan's Liniments remove swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read   "William's Stick Did The Trick".  Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."  The case was dismissed.

Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd read many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.  After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly - from the sky-a voice boomed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THIS ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another hole.  Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THIS ICE!"

The blonde, now a little worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut a hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THIS ICE!"  She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, this is the Ice-Rink Manager!"

Transatlantic Flight

In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.  The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth  to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever  made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on  this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??" 
 
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.  Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a  woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
 
No one moves. 

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches.  He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her,  and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:  "Iron this."

Hillary and St. Peter

Hillary dies and goes to Heaven where she meets St. Peter.  She notices that there are clocks everywhere.

She asks St. Peter why are there so many clocks here.  St. Peter tells her that each clock represents a person on earth and that every time a person tells a lie, the clock ticks off one-second. St.Peter explains that one clock has never moved because it belonged to Mother Theresa and she never told a lie her whole life.

The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln and since he only told two lies his whole life, only two seconds had clicked.  Hillary asks,"Where is Bill's clock?"
 
St. Peter says, "Bill's clock is upstairs in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Help Line

This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Transcript of dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:

"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it.  Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage?  Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.  Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.  Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

The Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.  He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild.  The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No. What did that stupid shit do this time?" says the patron.

"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says the bartender.

"Yeah, well I hope it kills the fucker because he's been driving me nuts" says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey.  He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again.  While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar.  He grabs one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"What now?" responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.

 "Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"                                                                         
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